Caroline. 

     I’ve been neglecting writing these letters because I didn’t want to skip day 11, yet I also didn’t want to write this. I’ve tried to write my thoughts out on this subject before, but it came out vague. Of course it did. 

     See the thing is this. When you first left us, I went and told myself that I was just confused— that the reality would hit me in a few hours. Days at most. The thing is, I told myself that you were the first person close to me that I had lost. The thing, is, in those days that passed, life went on. I still ate and the food tasted fine. I still smiled. And I laughed. And I still smiled when he passed by. The thing is, I lied. It’s been almost three weeks now, and it still hasn’t ‘hit me.’ And that’s because it already has. Or, perhaps, it never will. When John Bryant passed away when I was a child, I missed him dearly. His children were  my playmates, he himself my parents’ colleague, and his wife a kind friend. And you know what? I faced it then. And I’ll face it now. It took me a full 20 minutes after the news to cry for you. It took me days to realise that no, I was not just ‘confused’ about what death meant, be it to me, to someone else, or— to you. Though I am and was confused, it was merely an excuse. It took me three weeks; 23 days to realise that all it was, was that I accepted your absence in those 20 minutes. 

     I have been through hell in my life, and it would be disturbingly unfair to you to say that yours hasn’t been. But no matter the differences in our respective hells, I understood you. I understand our friendship. I understand our memories. And I understand your passing. See, it’s not that I didn’t hurt. By understanding what we’ve been through together as well as what we’ve gone through individually that has made us who we are, it made it hurt more. But it also helped me understand your passing and that, we all come and go. It just ended up being in your fate to go sooner.

Let’s see… Dear Adele?

Well hello. You know, when I first had heard of you (your song Chasing Pavements in particular,) I actually thought your name was pronounced Ahdalee. Stupid friends and their influences huh.

I admire you a lot. You can put a scenario, a problem, and a whole lot of comfort in one production. It never fails to amaze me when someone can put exactly what I’m feeling into words, and you’ve done no less. In fact, you’ve done it more— with words and with music. On top of that, you have qualities that inspire me. Everything you express— anger, revenge, heartbreak, self-examination, forgiveness, are all things that we need to express every once in a while. But you found a way to show what you’ve lost; and gained, in a way I cannot help but admire. Your attitude towards everything that happens in your life is what I can only hope to be. So thank you. You’re sort of the person everyone can learn a little bit from.

Dear Daniel (http://www.dannmarins.tumblr.com/),

You are just the sweetest guy. And you have an awesome Tumblr. And I love your title. That whole play on words thing was really cool. (And you’re gorgeous. Okay fine you’re like beautiful but I’ll stop talking about that now.) You’re one of the first people I followed when I made a tumblr. And I’m so glad I did because you’re awesome :). I’m really excited though cause I really think that there’s a big possibility of me going to Brazil next summer, and obviously if I went, Rio is the first place I’d think to go to. You need to teach me to skate! Haha.

I’m sort of disappointed that we don’t really speak a lot anymore, but yeah. That’s enough for now. I’m exhausted even though it’s only 9:30 here. Ugh. Bye for now :)

P.s. You can’t be THAT bad at football. You’re Brazilian. So it’s just not possible that you’re bad.

A Note To The Reader if It Isn’t Joel, which I am 100% sure it won’t be: don’t judge me unless you know my heart on love, or have read what I’ve written about it. I am one who loves easily— much more easily romantically than in any other way, for in that sense I trust willingly, as ironic as that seems. I believe and am constantly aware and reminded of the different styles of love. Love is all around you and envelops your every action whether you realise it or not, or even, whether you agree or not. Love isn’t just love in a romantic sense, love is love in a living sense.

If that still doesn’t make sense, perhaps this will help you understand.

I’m not even quite sure where to begin. Dear Joel, I guess, will do.

Dear Joel.

There’s not much that I can say as of right now. You and only you know me too well for me to be able to express the things between us in words. I guess I want to let you know that I know that we don’t speak much anymore, but you’re still in my heart. I still love you. Just don’t ever think that I’ve forgotten you. You’ve always been quite the stubborn one, so I know that it will be difficult to convince you of this, but I certainly hope your heart recognizes my sincere words, even if your brain doesn’t. You know, today when I told you that I missed you, I meant it. My heart just cracked when you responded so negatively; “suure :/”, like it wasn’t possible. Like I don’t care about you, and just spoke to you whenever I feel lonely. It’s not like that Joel. It’s not like that. Even if you already have it in your head, please don’t honestly believe that I don’t care. Because I do. You know I do. I just get disappointed with you sometimes. You ignore me. You frustrate me. You know how frustrated I get with your stubbornness. But it makes you who you are. And you know, no matter how much you may try to deny it, you know that I love you. I know that you’re always away during the day, with work and all, and having to drive Kimbo places and such. And college resumes this year. But at night, when no one is around and you’re laying in bed, listening to Metropolis or Pink Bullets or thinking about life and things and if I’m lucky, feeling lonely, just think of me please. That’s all that I’m asking for. Just think of how we used to be.

Dear Stranger,

I wonder what you think of me. I wonder if you wonder about me like I wonder about you. I wonder if you, of all people, could be that one person in this universe who understands exactly who I am. What if, after this, our paths never cross again, and I will have missed my chance on knowing you— me— this life altogether. What if?

What if you forget me?

Whatever you do, don’t forget me. My greatest fear is to be forgotten. Even if I am a faded memory a meaningless one, do not forget me. That I beg of you. We shared this split second this bond through time.

Don’t you see?

Dear dreams—

Sometimes I dream too much. And sometimes, not enough. I can dream for hours on end about things that could not and will not ever happen, but at the same time, I don’t really have as many hopes and dreams as to who I want to be, mostly because it doesn’t matter as much to me. So I don’t really care (or so I claim) or think about it. Not that there’s anything wrong with who I am now; I was meant to be who I am currently in this exact moment. I. Me. The problem is, even through this letter; through every letter„ be it consciously or not, I’m directing this at someone. I direct everything I do at someone. It may not always be at the same person, but I don’t do it for me. At my hopes and dreams of a future. That is, when a ‘future’ in this case is one you can envision, no matter if it turns out to be good or bad. I always have this standing dream where I’ll be ‘somebody’ to someone, even if it’s not for the people I’ve loved deeply so far. If I find someone else to love eventually— even if they are the hundredth or thousandth person I’ve loved, so be it. I guess in a sense I’m sort of just lost. But not really. I’m free falling. In any case; any situation, no matter what my future turns out to be, if there’s one thing I know, it’s that even if you deem me impossible, I will change my ways and continue to pursue you, so long as it’s right.

Because even if you slip away and leave me, I’ll still love you.

Rayee,
I don’t really know what to say here. I suppose I could tell you that I love you— that I do even though I get so pissed off at you; all that sincere older sibling talk. But truth is, I just want to leave. Truth is, you’re a great kid and I do everything in my will to protect you in the world, but to be quite blunt, I just want my own life. I know I pave some roads for you so yay. But big picture is, I wish either you or I were in different families. You’re naturally smart. You’re talented in ways no one will ever understand. And you don’t deserve all this crap. I apologise. I wish I could help. I wish I could be better. I wish I could do something.

I apologise.
Cause I guess I love you.
I guess.

Dear rents.

I don’t even know what to say cause I don’t really talk to you guys. I mean I do, but not really; not in a ‘real’ way. I guess if I did, I would tell you that my best friend is dead, my shoulders are messed up so I can’t swim, that I am actually so lonely that I actually talked to my doctor when I got my physical done, and that I’m pretty upset with you guys. It’s nothing you have done. Rather, it’s everything you haven’t done. But you know what? I think it’s better that way. I’m going to go to college soon. I’ll be independent and depend on myself to get everything I need. I’ll go to medical school or something— get married, have kids. The usual thing that people are expected to do. And we’ll maintain a relationship— we have to, but we won’t be close because of the barriers we built over my childhood. And you know what? That’s okay. I’ve learned how to seek help and to seek people over the years, for though you might not really know it, I’m independent. Already. I’m just building an illusion for you so that your experience with raising a child will be vaguely ‘normal.’ Point is, this really is goodbye.

Dear Six Lettered Name:

Look at you all popular and such. Here’s my second letter to you. I don’t really know what to say to you that you don’t already know. So I’m just going to take this time to repeat and reinforce how much you mean to me, and above all, how much I love you. You’re so supportive of me and always know what to say as well as when to say it. And this is really too much of a pain to say on here so I’ll just message you. Kay. Much love, ya girl.

Dear six lettered name,

“Hi, how are you— I’ve really no idea what to say here, but hi.” Your first real words spoken to me, so here I am repeating them to you. I honestly cannot believe that I got so lucky as to catch a best friend such as you. Sure you piss me off quite often; more often than not in fact, but it doesn’t seem to faze you in your mission to be my best friend. And you’ve succeeded. We’ve only known each other for so long, and by ‘known,’ I mean ‘you know nearly everything about me.’ And by that too, I mean ‘you know me better than I know myself.’

Yet you don’t remember the date we met, you don’t know my favourite number, you haven’t got my number memorised.

That’s because you used the brain space where those things go, and used it to remember how to comfort me when I whimper about my life. You use it to know when to hug me— when to make fun of me rudely as I come to tackle you. You know when to be my best friend and you know when to be more than that. Which, you always are, but we can overlook that. You make completely reasonable sense even when you yourself are not sure of what you’re saying— but that’s what people do when they know everything don’t they. I’m so blessed to have a person like you in my life period.

You know, I keep telling you stuff along these lines over and over again and you just smile and draw me to you, but this time I’m serious. I can’t tell you much more about how much you mean to me and how much I appreciate you— because you always seem so much more confident and sure of your knowledge of life, but only because it’s true, you know it. All this time, you stay by my side. Through the good, through the bad, through the time when the obstacles and consequences were so terrifying that I had to delete you from my life. Which of course, I couldn’t fully do, I just did it physically and not mentally so that I could have pretended this situation amounted to something.

Over the years, I hope we stay best friends. I won’t know what to do if you leave my side. I know you’re delicate in ways, but it’s okay to love you see, and I love you. In ways more than one. As a friend— my best friend, as a confidant, as my diary, as my love. Over the years I hope you’ll see that I’ll stand by your side as much as you’ll stay by mine. I hope I’ll be the first person you think to grab when we walk down this beaten, old, dark path together. And when you can’t see, I hope you trust me to be your eyes and your ears and your guide. Cause I know I’ll trust you to be mine.

Together no matter what happens.

I’m doing a new Tumblr challenge. It’s a letter challenge, so I’ll be writing a letter to a different person every day. If, in these 30 days you’d like me to write a letter to you, just hit me up with an ask! 

• Day 1 — Your Best Friend
• Day 2 — Your Crush
• Day 3 — Your parents
• Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
• Day 5 — Your dreams
• Day 6 — A stranger
• Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
• Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
• Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
• Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
• Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
• Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
• Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
• Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
• Day 15 — The person you miss the most
• Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
• Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
• Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
• Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
• Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
• Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
• Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
• Day 23 — The last person you kissed
• Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
• Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
• Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
• Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
• Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
• Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
• Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror